An Amazing Journey - Part 1 - Waiting, Waiting, Waiting...

Now almost 18 years old, my daughter was very young when she began to understand the word "adoption."  It started her on a path of understanding that she has two mothers and two fathers, her birthparents who gave her the gift of life and love and her mom and dad who build on that initial gift of life and love and continue to offer up those gifts daily. Taylor Anne has always had a special place in her heart for her birthparents and always has wanted to reach forward to that time when they could meet.  "We need to wait until you're 18."  Waiting, waiting, waiting...  I too have found myself throughout the years, wondering how they are doing, praying for their well being and wanting somehow to one day thank them for Taylor Anne.  But that day was always in the future, I pushed it off mentally.  Waiting, waiting, waiting...  Last year on her 17th birthday, I heard her say to her friend, "Only 365 more days until I can start looking for her."  That was no surprise to me.  We have always been forthright with our feelings, our desires, and our longings.  She longs to know why she has blue eyes and a contagious personality.  I have always wanted to know where she gets her beautiful hands and perfectly shaped nail beds.  Silly, I know, but I study her hands often, as she still likes to hold my hand while sitting on the sofa or riding in the car even at 17.  As a girl and a daughter, finding the birthmother was the first interest of Taylor Anne.
 
We were five weeks away from her 18th birthday when I got a text from her at school.  "I can't stop crying over what you said last night."  My mind reeled backwards trying to remember what crushing words I could have spoken to upset her.   Then, I remembered.  She had said to me lightheartedly that for her 18th birthday if I wanted to find her birthmother and bring her to her party, that would be fine.  I gently spoke that I had already played out in my mind that possibility of me finding her and what had stopped me from looking was the possibility of "rejection" that might occur and then how would I break your heart with this news.  Although we have always discussed the possibility of her birthmother not wanting contact, I think for the first time, these crushing words penetrated her heart.  I went and picked her up from the guidance counselor's office that morning and brought her home.  There's no handbook for parents on how to navigate these waters so we walk together with her down this road.  The waiting was coming to an end.  It was time to start down a path of exploring the possibilities.

That very night our dear pastor friend and counselor, Clifton Wood invited us to his home after I called and explained Taylor Anne's desires.  It was Clifton and his late wife, Margaret who actually handed Taylor Anne to us that January morning almost 18 years ago.   Now Clifton and his wonderful wife, Ernie were opening their hearts and home to us.   While sitting in his office, he gave us some good counsel about searching records and trying to find information, but he didn't remember a name.  Now was the time to divulge a secret that I held in my heart for 18 years.  I knew her name through accidental circumstance, or was it?  I was the guardian and keeper of this information and while sitting with our trusted friend and counselor, I told Taylor Anne her name.  The name was so precious to her.  It was as if a huge burden lifted from her heavy heart.  The waiting was almost over. 

We agreed upon a path forward that will take a few weeks.  There is much more information to share, but all in the proper time.  Taylor Anne had asked me many times in the last year, "are you okay with me pursuing my birthmother?"  I had given her many assurances that I too wanted to thank her birthmother for the gift of life and that because Taylor Anne needed this piece of the puzzle, I wanted nothing more than her happiness.  I truly meant that.  In the days that followed though, I struggled.  Feelings that I had suppressed bubbled up in my soul.  Quietly in my heart I sensed my relationship with Tay may never be the same.  I was her one mother and now I wouldn't be the only one. I know it sounds selfish and I don't have anything to compare it to other than giving your daughter away to be married.   I would gladly sacrifice all those feelings though to see Tay find her.  On one hand I have been elated, anticipating the day, pure joy and happiness and then on the other hand, I have grieved over the change that might occur.  I poured out my deepest feelings to my husband and in my prayers.  Tay didn't need to take on my selfish concerns.

Then at noon today, Tay brought us our Christmas presents.  A day late, I know, but she could get the deals and also a special gift.  Jimmy opened his shirt and tie that Tay declared would make him "the coolest!"  I opened my blue and black blouse that she had picked out.  Before opening my last gift, she spoke words to me through tears about how she was on this path of trying to find her birthmother but more than ever she needed me to know something and that something was engraved on the beautiful cross necklace she gave me...."Forever My Mom."  She just needed me to know that whatever the future held, I would always be her mommy.  Oh what joyous peace flooded my soul.

So now, we are waiting, waiting, waiting...