One Year Ago Headlines that Weren't in the News

 

    It was just another Friday in March.  The cold dismal days of winter had lingered and crept into the space that was reserved for spring.  Disappointment and rejection seemed to have marked January and February.  The two most important things in her life were family and theater.  Two months had passed from the disappointing phone call with her birthmother and now she had come to terms with the rejection she felt from not getting a principal role in her last play as a senior in high school.  She made the best of it though, pouring herself into the role she was assigned and more importantly into the cast and crew.  She never did anything half way.

    It was Friday and like most mornings, we were running late.  She got in the door as the tardy bell rang.   After four years of trying to beat the bell, it really didn’t matter anymore if she was late or not. It was just another Friday.   “Senioritis” had long settled in like a misty fog that lingered all day.    Everything was predictable and yet everything was about to change.

    After dropping her off, I had driven onto work.  It was a normal Friday morning without any hint that normal was about to be redefined for us.  When I saw my cell phone buzz with Taylor Anne’s face, I could have predicted what she wanted.  Was it lunch money she needed put into her account through the computer?  Was it a check for a theater competition that was due at 3:00 that day?  Was it a book she forgot at home and was trying to track down her dad to bring it to her?

    Her voice was an octave higher than normal and the words tumbled out that she was in the guidance counselor’s office.  My mind bounced around quickly, was she hurt? Did someone hurt her?  She continued,  “I got a personal facebook message from some guy who says he might be my uncle, the message was sent January 26, I just didn’t see it!”  I felt my breath rush right out of me as excitement and possibility ran in. The practical side of me slapped me in the face with the thought was that he was a stalker.  She was young, beautiful, and always put everything about herself out there.  No secret she was adopted.

    She went back to class somehow returning to her normal routine that day.  I scrambled into action, calling a girlfriend to get on facebook with me and help me dissect everything we could learn about this potential stalker.   Before an hour went by, my heart melted as it appeared to me that this person could very well be related to Taylor Anne but we were  cautious in proceeding waiting on verification through a mediator which took three more weeks.

    On March 22, 2013, Taylor Anne was given such a huge gift.  A piece of the puzzle of her life had come into the light.  How did they find her?  How did they know her name?  At that point it really didn’t matter.  We had more questions than answers that day but we also had more hope that this message sent was an answer to Taylor Anne’s prayers and desires that began as a little girl to meet her family.  This date will be marked in our family history as the day that changed all of our lives, especially Taylor Anne.  Most importantly, it serves as a reminder that Our Great God goes before us, planning out every step.  His Working unknown to us, turning a normal day into an extraordinary picture of His Grace not just for us but for all who were watching and for all of Tay’s family, those known and about to be known.

An Amazing Journey - Part 8 - Kindred Spirit

A little over a mile south of Sunset Beach, on a remote part of Bird Island stands a single mailbox with the words "Kindred Spirit."  This mailbox has notebooks that contain stories, prayers and chronicles of travelers who hiked to this spot.  Taylor Anne's Uncle Kyle took me recently to this special mailbox and there I sat on the bench and read through several entries.  Some of the entries grabbed at my heart: "Dear Kindred Spirit, I am 9 years old and I don't know why the kids at my school make fun of me..." While other entries made me want to stand and applaud:  "Dear Kindred Spirit, my husband just returned after serving in Afghanistan..."  Of course, you can only imagine how my own entry started:  "Dear Kindred Spirit, you'll never believe this most amazing journey that we find ourselves on...."

The Urban Dictionary defines “kindred spirit” as people who make a special connection because of sharing a bond that draws them together.  This is a perfect description of how we feel about Taylor Anne’s newly discovered birth family. When we left off in May, our last journal entry was Taylor Anne’s incredible first time meeting of her dad and many have asked since that time, “how are things?” and “are they what she expected?”

Back in April when Taylor Anne first met her grandparents, after reading the blog earlier before she had met her dad, one of the pastors approached us from our church and felt like the feelings that Tay’s Memaw had throughout the years could be a great illustration for an upcoming message series called “Heaven” and being reunited with loved ones.  Of course, for  her Memaw, she never envisioned she would meet Tay this side of eternity.  As the segment was videotaped, I felt like the actual taping of this story was probably more important to Tay than the original intent of capturing this story.  The excellent video photographer, Eric prodded her to talk about the day she found out her birthmother had said ‘No’ to a meeting.  This was the first time in six months that Tay actually talked about that day out loud and it was the first time the tears flowed from heartache.  Although difficult to watch (it actually ripped my heart out), Tay was very strong and continued to tell the great reunion that was about to unfold.  Tay’s desire is for people to watch the video to understand that everyone lives with heartache and that heartache made the reunion with her father’s family even that much more special.  A couple of things she wants to convey also, is this reunion led to her greatest gift and that was meeting her dad and also through conversations with him, he never wanted to give her away but agreed to this plan at the urging of the birthmother’s father.  You can watch this video at https://vimeo.com/69594635.  Get out your Kleenex!  (If the first link doesn't work, try it at you tube:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edGdtl8SExc)

There have been so many wise words that have come our way.  Tay has the blessing of realizing she

is greatly loved by three fathers! First, from God as her Heavenly Father, she realizes that she is loved by Him and in Him she is complete as a daughter.   (And if that’s all she had, that would be enough.)  Secondly, she has the love from her daddy, Jimmy who has exhibited unconditional love throughout her life.  Thirdly, now she is blessed to be loved by her dad (we drop the biological and birth part) and for an adopted child, this love is perhaps, humanly speaking, one that brings most fulfillment (at least what we are witnessing right now).   It assures you that you weren’t just an accident, an afterthought or not wanted.  The love they have for each other is as natural as when you see your child for the first time and something inside of you blooms.

This family is serious about inviting her into their lives.  It’s just not been a one-time, “we wonder-who-you-are” meeting.  Her dad and his wife returned to her graduation party here in our home and were introduced to everyone by her as her dad.  I personally think that was the greatest graduation gift anyone gave her, for him to allow her to introduce him as her dad to all the people she cared about, not being concerned about what people thought.   Her Memaw, Papa and

Uncle Kyle returned on graduation day to cheer her on.  Not even cancer surgery less than a week earlier could stop her Memaw from coming (and by the way, she is just fine).  Last month she spent the weekend at her grandparent’s home.  Her Memaw planned a special luncheon for her girlfriends and told the story of finding her granddaughter and as they finished with prayer before they ate, the doorbell rang and there stood Taylor Anne to meet her friends.  What excitement to meet the granddaughter they had just learned about!   Tay planned the perfect “Pajama Party” for them since they

had never had an overnight with their granddaughter.  Papa and Uncle Kyle took her boating, tubing and jumping off high rocks!  There are many memories to catch up on.  She also spent the weekend at the beach with them and enjoyed making cookies with Memaw, fixing Tay’s famous “Angel Sauce” and all the fun of playing on the beach.   

Just last weekend, she visited her dad.  As I watch pieces of this story unfold, there are some “side” people who really are outstanding and one of those is her dad’s wife.  It’s one thing to be told by your husband before you are married that I have a daughter out there somewhere that could reappear into my life and your wife agrees with you that when that time comes, she too would welcome this unknown daughter.  It’s another thing when three years later, this beautiful daughter appears unexpectedly and this wife meant exactly what she said.   She has been at his side during each visit and when Taylor Anne visited their home, her kindness put Taylor

Anne right at ease and she treated her as a daughter and shared her home and their son with Tay.   When I dropped Tay off to begin her weekend, her dad picked her up half way.  You can imagine she was nervous; after all she had only been with him twice and both of those times they were surrounded by people.  As I drove away, my head said, “you just dropped off your daughter with a man that you’ve only met twice” and my heart said “she’s finally with the person whose she’s most connected with and loves so much” and I had perfect peace.   They shared a great weekend together and two things jumped out at her – he introduced her as “his daughter” and that made her heart soar.   Also she got to meet, play with and love on her little brother and her dad said that his son will always know his sister since he is so young and she will always be in his life (a confirmation in her heart of more memories to come).  They created so many memories with her at the beach, eating in their favorite restaurants, and sharing a love for fashion and shopping (I’ll let you decide who she connected on with that one!)  When I picked her up two days later, she said she could hardly wait until the next time they are together again (actually she didn’t stop talking for the hour and half ride back!)

Our lives are different now.  We are living in a new reality and there’s not one thing about it that we would change.  Tay is headed to Canada this week with her best friend’s family, making plans for more family visits and will be going to Appalachian State University in less than a month.  There is no anger towards her birthmother by Tay.  I still struggle with her decision but I don’t pass judgment on her.  There is hope that one day she changes her mind and allows this beautiful, blond hair, blue eyed daughter into her life.  Oh, what a blessing she is missing out on!  That’s our prayer.  Tay herself has said that even if that doesn’t happen this side of eternity, she is so blessed to be loved by her dad and his family and that will be enough for her.  We still stand in awe of our Father’s plan and path for our daughter. As God said to Israel, we see this true in our lives: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

An Amazing Journey- Part 7 - The Unveiling

Sometimes events we witness are enormous productions, lights, glitter, overwhelming personalities and loud noise which mislead us to believe that life’s greatest moments are best captured in the biggest and boldest events. And every now and then, our eyes are opened to witness the quiet beauty of watching creation, the sound of a whisper of wind or the gaze of one human being to another.  It’s in these moments that our hearts ponder every detail and the fragrance of the event lingers like a sweet aroma.  Such was the gift given to Taylor Anne on the days she talked with and met her birthfather.   It was a quiet unveiling of the mysteries that lingered in her mind during these past months.

I believe every child grows up with the strongest desire to be loved and the love that the parents have for their children provides the basis for the child’s mental well-being.  For Taylor Anne, we know she is secure in the fact that her parents (us) greatly love her but there is an inner yearning for her as an adopted child to be loved by her birthmother and birthfather and also to allow her to extend that love to them.  She’s always loved them, always wanted to meet them and even though she is a beautiful, confident young woman, the desire to put these pieces together has driven her especially this senior year of high school.   Sometimes the answers are not what she wanted and then other times, the response allows us a glimpse of God’s grace.  On Tuesday, April 30^th, Tay’s birthfather read a letter written by Tay expressing her love for him and asking for the opportunity to meet him.  The response was a return of affection and yes to meeting.   Tay’s heart soared as this was an opposite reaction from her birthmother earlier in the year.   Saturday, May 4^th her birthfather called her for the first time.  I’ve quoted this before, and these words have even deeper meaning after their conversation:  “Words fitly spoken are like apples of gold in bowls of silver” (Prov. 25:11). Their conversation was emotional, difficult and easy all mixed together.  It flowed freely and healing words from him comforted her soul.  The love she had for him was easily expressed and freely returned.  Although the blood connection had been there for 18 years, a new relationship was born.  The quietness of this moment was sacred.

We all knew it was important to bring Tay and her birthfather together in person quickly.  He and his beautiful wife, who also opened up her heart and life to Tay, along with Jimmy and me planned our private meeting in our home on Thursday, May 9^th.  We prayed that this day would be special for Taylor Anne and her birthfather.   We wanted it to be simple, quiet and memorable in every way.

Early that morning while the three of us were alone, Taylor Anne, whose always thinking of how someone will be impacted, gave Jimmy a gift of a ring with the engraving “forever my daddy.”   That small token was just another confirmation that the path we allowed her to take would not be one that would take her away from us but rather bind us together even more as we walk these very unusual and yet peaceful days.

There was one thing very important to Tay that her birthfather was unaware of and also something important to him without knowing Tay’s feelings.  That was that neither Tay nor her birthfather wanted to see a picture of the other.  They both wanted the first glance of each other to be in person and I thought it was very special that they both felt very strong about this even though with facebook and other media, it would have been easy to take a peek.   Tay loved that he felt the very same way.   At almost noon on Thursday, May 9^th, Taylor Anne got that first look when she opened our front door and stood face to face with this handsome man she affectionately calls “Dad.”  It was a life changing moment that we were grateful to be witnessing as Taylor Anne had her dream fulfilled.  We all spent the next couple of hours exchanging stories, looking through pictures and exploring more about the genetic make-up of our daughter.  It was surreal to see them together.  She looks like him in many ways and definitely gets her “driven” gene from him.  The time went by too quickly but they graciously invited her to visit them in their home and also to return for her graduation party.  This day was truly special, not with fireworks going off or loud festivities, but two people who gazed at each other and had a special connection and were open to the future possibilities of building relationships and creating new memories.

I think the most asked question for Taylor Anne by her friends is “how do your parents feel about this?”  It’s also the most asked question to Jimmy and me “how are you all dealing with Taylor Anne meeting her birthfather and calling him “Dad.”   We have been walking down this path with Taylor Anne since she began to understand this concept of two mothers and two fathers.  We both have perfect peace that Taylor Anne has a great understanding of who we are in her life and the roles we have played and will continue to play.  This is a very unique situation and opportunity to allow our daughter to share her love and life with this extended and beautiful family.  We better understand her now that we’ve met him, his wife and his family.   We are grateful for their willingness to remove the “veil” that kept her from understanding who she is and also to allow her to freely give the affection that she so desires to pour upon them and now so beautifully receive that affection back from them.  She moves forward with our greatest blessing.  The timing of how this unfolded was perfect. She's only 18 and now has so much time to build memories with her new family.  We never know what a day might hold with this girl and we are so blessed by God to be called her parents.

An Amazing Journey - Part 5 - Spring

 

 

Many months have passed since our initial answer of “no contact at this time” from Tay’s birthmother. It was difficult to accept this answer mainly because there wasn’t anything we could do about it. When your heart is wounded, it does take some time to heal. I visualize the inner workings of a clock with various wheels turning to make the hands move just a tiny bit. This episode was like someone stuck a piece of wood inside one of the wheels of Tay’s heart and time stopped for that moment; now the wheels were turning again and life with all its demands was happening around us and ever so slowly the heartache dulled. God can heal a broken heart and it was our prayer during February and March that Taylor Anne would feel the Balm of Gilead and the tender loving spirit that God had put in her heart would continue to shine, regardless of the circumstances around her.  We had made a decision not to look for her birthfather at this time.   We felt Taylor Anne's heart had taken enough during these past few months and for her own mental health, waiting a few months to figure out this piece of the puzzle seemed logical to us.   Taylor Anne seemed content and peaceful, satisfied with answers and looking to the future.  During the cold winter months, with trees naked and barren, the ground brown and gray, we forget that deep inside the hardened ground and inside the lifeless trees, there’s a work stirring, preparing for spring. Little did we know that God had been working and preparing what we thought was barren ground to bring forth life.  An early spring was about to bloom in Taylor Anne’s life right before our eyes. On March 22, Taylor Anne called from school and I could tell by the “Mom” word that something was about to erupt. “I just found a private facebook message to me written January 26 two days after my birthday from someone who wrote a birthday greeting and in it he mentioned ‘I may be your uncle.’ What should I do?”

Eighteen years ago when our adoption of Taylor Anne occurred, I gave much thought to the birthmother and the birthfather and this very difficult decision to carry a baby to full term, knowing you are going to give this baby to someone else. What I never gave much thought to (and I say that with a broken heart), was the possibility that there may be a set of grandparents that are about to lose their first grandchild. Adoption is a beautiful way for a family to come together but it does have two faces. We were on the joyful end, celebrating the arrival of our daughter, but on the other end was a separation, the losing of a granddaughter; thoughts of her that continued for 18 years. Taylor Anne’s grandparents loved her from day one just because she was their granddaughter. They loved her and their hearts ached. Dreams were beginning for one family while dreams were ending for another. Her grandmother bought a stuffed bunny toy that was never played with. Her grandfather would call the attorney in charge of the adoption each year for her first four years to check on her well-being. Each January was a difficult month for them. They could not do anything for their granddaughter humanly speaking, except pray for her by name. Praying grandparents, expecting nothing in return, is really quite a remarkable heritage, hidden from Taylor Anne through her first 18 years. Only God in eternity will be able to show us what these prayers meant throughout her life. They may have done more in these 18 years behind the scenes than most grandparents do who get to see their grandchildren. Sometimes the “winter” season dwells within you, taking up residence in your soul. Even though you experience joys, happiness, and successes, “winter” in your soul reminds you that your heart still yearns for something and in this case, it was a granddaughter who they believed they would never know this side of eternity. They had no idea that “spring” was coming and it would be more beautiful than they could ever imagine.

"Do not do anything with that message” was my reply to Taylor Anne. “We don’t know who this person is and everyone who reads your facebook can figure out that you’re adopted. That isn’t a secret.” This person didn't ask for us to contact him; however, with the current path we were already on, it made perfect sense to investigate this.  We decided to turn this over to our counselor friend who had made the contact with Tay’s birthmother. I wanted to protect Tay’s privacy and more importantly her heart. Taylor Anne is so patient relying totally on us as her parents to guide this process in the right way. She doesn’t want to see pictures of her birthparents so it’s not been a temptation for her. I, on the other hand, did what any other mother of a beautiful daughter would do, opened every picture, read every posting and searched every friend of this person’s facebook page.  When I realized that just possibly this may be her birthfather’s family reaching out to her, I cautiously rejoiced that her longing of being connected to her birthfamily may be within reach.  They had no idea that she had this great desire and this message would begin unraveling some of the mystery around her family.  Why now?  Why not now? I have to believe we were seeking and praying and God was at work behind the scenes.

Out of love for their granddaughter, they didn’t “follow” or “search” for her for the next several years. They wanted her to have a life, uninterrupted, not torn by different affections for people who should or should not have rights to her. But still, in the background, they loved her and prayed for her. About 3 years ago, they googled my husband’s name, wondering if we were still in the same location. Our church website came up and then they could see their sweet granddaughter had grown into a beautiful young lady. They observed very respectfully and prayerfully as they in no way wanted to intrude upon her life and cause any emotional distress for her. More recently, their younger son could see they had much in common. They had both gone to India within a month of each other last summer on mission’s trips and that in itself was incredible that they shared their love for this country. Although all of their hearts ached for contact, they continued to do what they had done for nearly 18 years, give her back to God and pray for her. That is until, two days after her 18^th birthday. Her uncle decided it was time to send a message. Her grandmother never wanted her younger son to write to Taylor Anne. Did Taylor Anne even know she was adopted? Could they be opening a door that would cause confusion for her? She had much fear anguishing in her heart for her granddaughter who she wanted to see. After all, they had no idea if their granddaughter would even be interested in a relationship with people she did not know. It was a risk for all of them to reach out, but the uncle felt like they needed to know either way. When the message was sent, they eagerly awaited a response back. A month went by without a word (because Taylor Anne didn't see the message for two months) and they sadly knew they had the answer they didn’t want, or at least, that’s what they thought. It was still winter, but spring was coming.

So, almost two months after this message had been sent and now seen by us, our counselor sent two private messages back. They were simple messages to contact the counselor directly. After two weeks of not hearing a response, I began to believe that maybe this person could have misrepresented something; maybe no one was interested in meeting Taylor Anne. Facebook private messages can sometimes be difficult to see, especially if you are not communicating directly with a “friend.” Messages are not put into your “inbox,” but rather the “other” folder that most people don’t know exists. I wasn’t willing to be satisfied with no answer. We had come too far and had too many questions unanswered. I spent some time “researching” this person, digging up through the internet his last available addresses, all his relative’s names, really searching for a home address and possibly a home phone that our counselor could reach him. I never came up with a firm home phone which is typical today. I decided that our counselor should send an email to a pastor from the church that was on his facebook page. From there it was less than a few hours and finally I was talking directly to them. Spring was blooming not only in our beautiful city but in the lives of these precious grandparents and uncle who were about to receive a beautiful bouquet of a relationship with their granddaughter and niece. They had no idea that God had already been working in her heart, even as a little girl, creating a love for people whom she had never knew, yet longed to meet.

When I picked up Taylor Anne from school that day I relayed to her that "we have great news but it's not perfect" that God had answered some of the desires of her heart.  I felt the first call needed to be to her uncle. Through her tears, she softly spoke, “hello uncle… this is Taylor Anne” and I could hear through tears on the other end, “my sweet beautiful niece…” They finally got to talk. Later Tay was in the car with Jimmy holding his hand, when she called her grandmother for the first time, after minutes of sobbing and talking, Taylor Anne asked,“is it okay if I call you all Memaw and Papa?” Do you think there were any objections? Papa called her a few hours later to talk to “his girl”. Taylor Anne’s heart was so full of how God had put this together: grandparents who loved and prayed for her for 18 years and so yearned to see her and not miss out on anything else and her uncle who cared for her and felt compelled to reach out.  Spring had finally come and this gift was given to all of them from a God who so quietly worked in the background to bring these lives together.

Now to get them all together (and believe me it didn’t take long!), that’ll be the subject of another day! (and about that "great news, but it's not perfect," this news may be the beginning of completing her longest desire).